Crank

PLOT:

Carlito (Carlos Sanz) leads a wealthy and influential Mexican-American and Latino/Hispanic crime syndicate in Los Angeles, simply referred to in the film as the “West Coast Crime Syndicate”. Worried about the encroachment of a group into LA of heavily-armed members of the Korean mobsters, and the effects that may have upon his operations, Carlito orders the contract killing of their leader, Don Kim (Keone Young). Carlito’s best hitman, an English man called Chev Chelios (Jason Statham), is ordered to do the job. However Carlito has underestimated the Korean and after the hit, the heat from Hong Kong is much greater than Carlito expected. Carlito immediately regrets that the hit may have been “ill-advised” and to ease the pressure Carlito offers the Koreans both an explanation and a solution: the hit was nothing to do with him, and Carlito will himself remove certain elements within his own organization who were responsible and operating on their own.

Ricky Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo), a small time punk and long-time rival of Chev Chelios, uses the opportunity to conspire with Carlito against Chelios, unbeknown to Chelios who believes Carlito is still loyal to him. Whilst Chelios sleeps in his apartment one night, Verona silently breaks in and injects Chelios with the “Beijing Cocktail”. This is a synthetic drug which stops the flow of adrenaline in the body, slowing the heart, and eventually killing the victim. Chelios wakes to find a recorded video made by Verona mocking Chelios and explaining the situation, and that Chelios should only have about an hour left before the poison stops his heart.

Chelios speaks with an underground doctor who often works as a personal physician to the Mafia, Doc Miles (Dwight Yoakam), who informs Chelios that in order to survive and keep his heart beating he must keep his adrenaline pumping through constant excitement and danger, or get some artificial adrenaline, epinephrine. With his own adrenaline keeping the poison at bay at first, Chelios breaks into a hospital and steals numerous drugs, much more than Doc Miles advises him to take and also being “juiced” by hits from a defibrilator. Even still he must keep his adrenaline up through reckless and dangerous acts such as picking fights with other gangsters, stealing things, committing robberies, fighting with police and driving cars through shopping malls.

The entire film takes place over a single day, starting in the morning and going through to late afternoon/early evening. Over the course of the day Chelios sets out to get his revenge on Verona, knowing that he probably will not make it to the end of the day, and attempting to find Verona and his street gang through Chelios’ street contact Kaylo (Efren Ramirez), a flamboyant Chelios also goes to pick up his unassuming girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart) before Verona’s thugs get to her. In one notable scene Chelios has sex with Eve in the middle of a busy street in Chinatown while hundreds of people look on, in order to keep his adrenaline up.

In the end it is revealed that Chelios never actually killed Don Kim, in fact sparing his life and telling him to leave LA instead. Towards the end of the movie, Chelios arranges a rooftop meeting with Carlito, Verona and their henchman, who promise him the (fake) antidote to the Beijing Cocktail. Don Kim arrives along with his Triads to assist Chelios, and in a vicious shootout many of Carlito’s men are killed. Carlito is killed by none other than an ambitious and treacherous Verona, who then attempts to leave in Carlito’s escape helicopter. The movie concludes with Chelios confronting Verona in the helicopter and as they fight the pair fall from the chopper thousands of feet above LA, and mid-flight Chelios breaks Verona’s windpipe, quipping “I told you I’d kill you, you little bitch!” He then calls Eve on his cell phone, apologizing that he will not be coming back to her. Chelios hits a car, bounces off it and lands right in front of the camera. In the last shot it is implied that his adrenaline is indeed still flowing fast; his nostrils flare, he blinks, and two heartbeats are heard.

REVIEW:

I have to say that I love films like this that are more action than plot. Yeah, that kind of sounds mindless, but on occasion they are a nice escape. This might very well be why I like Shoot ‘Em Up as well.

Jason Statham, in every role I’ve seen him play, has really carved a niche for himself as a bonafide action star. I never noticed it before, but he does vaguely resemble Bruce Willis. Of course, that may be because of the hair…or lack thereof. As Chev Chelios, he provides with a mysterious, grumpy hitman (who has a British accent) who is dealing with the fact that he doesn’t have long to live and wants to not only find an antidote for his condition, but also get revenge on the people that did this to him.

Dwight Yoakam leaves his country music realm to appear as the doctor who is advising Chelios on how to stay alive. Yeah, I had no idea it was Yoakem, either, but then again, I’m not a country music fan. He actually isn’t a bad actor, if I do say so myself, but he doesn’t have to do much here.

Amy Smart plays the only female in the film, except for the doctors masseuses and assistant. She doesn’t appear to be anything more than a ditzy blonde and you wonder why Chev is staying with her other than the fact that she’s smokin’ hot…then the public sex scene in Chinatown happens and well…do i really need to say more?

Adrenaline fuels this film, especially since that’s what keeps Chelios alive, but there are quite a few funny scenes here and there, such as Chelios landing his car on an escalator. Look for Efren Ramirez as a drag queen/homosexual character who helps out Chev as well. He lightens the mood in the scenes he’s in. 

Talk about a non-stop ride from start to finish, this film has it all, including a couple of gore scenes, for those of you out there that are into it. Personally, I can’t wait to see the sequel. In the meantime, I’m sure I’ll be headed out to get the DVD so I can watch this over and over again.

5 out of 5 stars

The Telling

PLOT:

The Telling is a horror anthology film. The most exclusive and cruel sorority on campus, headed by Stephanie (Holly Madison), is in the final days of rush. For their final task the three remaining pledges are required to tell the scariest story they know.

The first pledge Tonya (Jessica Noboa) tells a true story she heard from a friend. Tommy (Ryan Freeman) finds a doll in a dumpster and brings it home to his girlfriend Lily (Rebekah Kochan). But things turn deadly when the doll develops a mind of its own.

The second story told by Phoebe (Stephanie Sanborn) is about a former A-list actress, Eva DeMarco (Bridget Marquardt), who wants to be back on top. So she accepts a role from an elusive filmmaker in a desolate region in Romania (John D’Aquino). But this isn’t just any ordinary film, the crew has a deadly secret.

Finally, it is Haley’s (Jean-Louise O’Sullivan) turn to tell her scary story. It revolves around three girls whose harmless prank call has deadly repercussions.

After all of the girls tell their story it is time for the sorority sisters to make their decision. But not everyone is happy with the decision and not all of them make it out to tell the tale.

REVIEW:

If not for the episode of Girls Next Door where they were filming this, I wouldn’t know anything about it. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected too much from it, but being the eternal optimist, I was hoping for something better than what I actually saw.

I’m sure we’ve all seen bad movies of varying degrees of badness. This isn’t the worst bad movie, but it is one of the ones that should go up there. The sad part is that both Holly Madison and Bridget Marquadt prove they are more than pretty faces and smokin’ hot bods.

Both Bridget and Holly aren’t going to be invited to the Oscar’s based on this film, but they have to start somewhere and what better place to start than with something close to home.

Bridget does surprisingly well as aging starlet Eva DeMarco. I didn’t know this about Bridget, but she turns 35 or 36 this year, and broke up with Hugh Hefner and moves out of the mansion. Her role in the film kinda resembles her rel life follies.

Holly does not seem like the bitchy type. From all I know, she is very nice and relatable, so for her to take on the tole of  Stephanie was a bit of a stretch for her, but she does pretty good, especially when you take into account she’s not an actress.

The rest of the cast is comprised of former Playmate models, including the Playboy Mansion which provided the setting for much of the picture.

Although this thing stars Playmates, this is not a Playboy flick, but rather a real film. I think that might have been a reason I was bit disappointed. I was kind of expectign to see some skin, as bad as that sounds.

Going to the horror aspect of this picture. They deserve an honrable mention for trying, but it just never matriculates into anything. The idea of having sorority girls telling ghost stories before they can become pledges seem a bit like hazing to me, but I believe that was the whole point.

This is not the kind of film that will scare you out of your socks, nor is it the kind that will be winning any cinematic awards, save for the kind that are given to the worst. Only time will tell, though. This film is so bad, that it may become relevant in a short amount of time as a cult classic. Until such time as that happens, I would suggest staying away.

2 1/2 out of 5 stars

The Indian in the Cupboard

PLOT:

Nine-year-old Omri (Hal Scardino) gets some odd gifts for his birthday: a wooden cupboard, antique keys and a figure of an Iroquois warrior. Much to Omri’s surprise, the figurine — known as Little Bear — comes to life overnight in the cabinet. Omri shares his secret with best pal Patrick (Rishi Bhat), who promptly locks a toy cowboy in with Little Bear. Will the boys learn any lessons as they try to make peace between the cowboy and the Indian?

REVIEW:

I believe it was about 3rd or 4th grade when I read The Indian in the Cupboard. You can imagine my excitement when I learned that they had made a film about it. Even though it was released 14 years ago, not sure how I missed its release, I was as happy as a little kid at Xmas to see this. I wish I could have kept that feeling throughout the entire film, though.

Yes, this film was a letdown.  That’s all there is to say about it. They took the book, made it assume the position and raped it. I realize that with films that are based on books, parts have to be cut for screentime and whatnot, but, and keep in mind that I haven’t read the book in quite a few years, they cut out huge chunks that are pertinent to the story, especially if they had plans of doing the other books. I’m not really big on sequels, but seeing as how there are already 4 or 5 books, I don’t see the harm in making this a franchise.

As much as I disliked that aspect of the film, there are parts that I did like. For instance, they got a real Native American to play the Iriquois, Little Bear. The effects aren’t the best, but for their time, they’re pretty good. Steve Coogan and David Keith eat up the scenes they are in and are welcome comic relief to a film that seems to want to take itself too seriously.

Now, let me say that as much as I’m disapointed that this film didn’t live up to the hype I had built up for it, it wasn’t as bad as I know it could be. Still, and this goes against everything I stand for, if ever there was a film that could use a remake, this is it. A film that has so much potential, but strayed too far from the source material and paid the price is what you get when you watch this. Sad, but true.

2 1/2 out of 5 stars