Archive for February 15, 2010

Cougar Club

Posted in Comedy, Movie Reviews with tags , , , , , , on February 15, 2010 by Mystery Man


Having no family, Marshall Hogan III (Warren Kole) has been granted residency in the house of his best friend Spence Holmes (Jason Jurman). But Hogan has a sexual habit that makes Spence’s dad and girlfriend (Kaley Cuoco) fear that Spence could adopt it, too. It is an attraction to older – if not just plain old – women.

In college, Hogan makes out with his much older professor (Carrie Fisher) just before the graduation ceremony. In a private celebration, he dances intimately with the much older wife (Faye Dunaway) of the party’s host. The host is a lawyer whom Spence’s father asked for favoritism in hiring Spence for residency. Hogan and the host’s wife disappear, but when a poolside’s cabana’s wall breaks down, everybody sees her mounting him. Losing his chance of residency, Spence’s father has to ask for favoritism from the worst possible candidate – the most evil divorce lawyer in town, Mr. Stack (Joe Mantegna).

Nevertheless, Spence coaxes his father to get the same job for Hogan. Thus the two best friends begin to work together. Alas, the divorce lawyers know they need their recommendation in order to be accepted into law school. Therefore, they abuse them in every way possible, from physical chores (like cutting one of the lawyers’ overly dirty toenails) to doing risky and illegal PI work.

Between cleaning bathrooms and walking in on Hogan having anal sex with the office’s older large black secretary (Loretta Devine) in the closet, Spence feels his life isn’t going well. One errand has Spence and Hogan delivering divorce papers to a lawyer’s wife. Other middle aged women are also in her house listening to a sex seminar. Hogan spontaneously invites them all to a party. It gives him an idea for an alternative source of livelihood. That is, forming “Cougar Club” – a place for young men to meet older women. Expensive membership fees would provide access to parties and other social gatherings.

Their first client is a pre-Bar examination law graduate in their office, who up until now only has had sex by masturbating. He gains revenge on his hated boss when the guys set him up with the boss’ wife, a lusty and busty Amazon (Chyna). Meanwhile, Spence and Hogan each have sex with one of the other wives. Living at home, Spence’s parents – accompanied by their lawyer – return by surprise from a vacation. Spence manages to hide the sexually engaged guests. Only the wife he has slept with (Izabella Scorupco) is caught by Spence’s girlfriend and spotted by her lawyer husband, Mr. Stack.

Said husband finds papers Spence left in the office about Cougar Club. He realizes they slept with the lawyers’ wives. He tips the police and a detective infiltrates the next party. When Spence and Hogan ask him for membership fees, he arrests them for pimping. The lawyer then casually walks by and fires them.

Spence returns to his girlfriend. She begins planning a wedding for them. Hogan, who crashes in with his former college professor, eventually approaches Spence with an idea – luring the vengeful lawyers to bomb his car and get arrested for terrorist acts. After the plan is carried out with success, Spence confesses to his girlfriend that he doesn’t really love her, that he never even asked her to marry him, and once again becomes best friends with Hogan.

At their trial, Spence and Hogan use the questionable yet free services of their friend who has now passed the bar exam. The judge (Carolyn Hennesy) asks to see them in her chambers. With their lawyer momentarily outside, Hogan contends to running a legit dating service as a true cougar fan. She considers acquitting them if Spence proves he feels like Hogan. Wearing revealing clothes under her robe, she kisses Spence. He goes along with it and they make out right on her desk.

Spence invites the lawyer’s wife to a new party. She never shows up, but he is still thrilled when a new cougar – the judge – arrives to celebrate with him. With no recommendation letter, Spence and Hogan expand the business via a statewide bus tour with club members and cougars alike.


Netflix recommended this atrocity and took the bait. Now, I didn’t expect much going into it. I mean, seriously, I had never heard of it before it popped on the recommendations list, but good grief, I expected something better than this.

The good…–crickets chirping– lol Seriously, though, there are some good things about this film. The plot isn’t that bad, just badly executed. Joe Mantegna, who I can’t figure out why he’s in this thing, lights up the screen as the villainous boss. Wrestling fans from the decades past will remember Chyna, and its good to see she’s still the Amazon she once was, even if she is a joke of her former 9th wonder of the world self. The end party was a welcome surprise, especially with the guest that showed up.

The bad…this is supposed to be a comedy, but I didn’t find myself laughing one bit. The film starts off like its going to be decent, but somewhere after they start working at the law firm it crashes and burns. The women seem to be nothing more than objects or playthings. Now, for this type of movie, that is expected, but give them some depth. There is this one scene where on of the guys is envisioning Faye Dunaway’s character as he’s trying to get off, but it’s never really explained why. I love Kaley Cuoco on The Big Bang Theory, but she just came off as annoying here. The boss’ wife seemed to have a story of her own, but they totally dropped the ball with her. I could see them doing so much with her, but instead they used said time to cause a rift between the leads. WTF?!?

Look, stay away from this at all costs. Seriously, if you’re into cougars that bad, then tune in to Cougar Town on ABC. You’ll definitely be more entertained. I can’t believe I wasted 95 min of my life on this waste of film. If you’re wondering if I think this would be a good viewing, the answer is no. Under no circumstances should this ever be watched!

1/2 out of 5 stars