One Million Years B.C.

PLOT (spoiler alert!!!)

Akoba (Robert Brown) leads a hunting party into the hills to search for prey. One member of the tribe traps a pig in a pit, and then Akoba’s son Tumak (John Richardson) kills it. The tribe brings it home for dinner and Tumak is later banished to the harsh desert because of a fight over a piece of meat with Akoba. After surviving many dangers such as a Megalania, ape men, Brontosaurus and a giant spider, he collapses on a remote beach, where he is spotted by “Loana the Fair One” (Raquel Welch) and her fellow fisherwomen of the Shell tribe. They are about to help him when an Archelon (which is three times the size of the actual prehistoric Archelon) makes its way to the beach. Men of the Shell tribe arrive and drive it back into the sea. Tumak is taken to their village, where Loana tends to him. Scenes follow emphasising that the Shell tribe is more advanced and more civilized than the Rock tribe. They have cave paintings, music, delicate jewellery made from shells, agriculture, and rudimentary language – all things Tumak seems to have never before encountered.

When the tribe women are fishing, an Allosaurus attacks. The tribe flees to their cave, but in the panic, a small girl is left trapped up a tree. Tumak seizes a spear from Ahot (Jean Wladon), a man of the Shell tribe, and rushes forward to defend her. Emboldened by this example, Loana runs out to snatch the child to safety, and Ahot and other men come to Tumak’s aid, one of the men being killed before Tumak is finally able to kill the creature. In the aftermath, a funeral is held for the dead men – a custom which Tumak disdains. Leaving the funeral early, he re-enters the cave, and attempts to steal the spear with which he had killed the Allosaurus. Ahot, who had taken back the spear, enters and is angered by the attempted theft, and a fight ensues. The resulting commotion attracts the rest of the tribe, who unite to cast Tumak out. Loana leaves with him, and Ahot, in a gesture of friendship, gives him the spear over which they had fought.

Meanwhile, Akoba leads a hunting party into the hills to search for prey but loses his footing while trying to take down a goat. Tumak’s brother Sakana (Percy Herbert) tries to kill their father to take power. Akoba survives, but is a broken man. Sakana is the new leader. While this is happening, Tumak and Loana encounter a battle between a Ceratosaurus and a Triceratops. The battle is eventually won by the Triceratops which fatally gores its opponent. The outcasts wander back into the Rock tribe’s territory and Loana meets the tribe, but again there are altercations. The most dramatic one is a fight between Tumak’s current love interest Loana and his former lover “Nupondi the Wild One” (Martine Beswick). Loana wins the fight but refuses to strike the killing blow, despite the encouragement of the other members of the tribe. Meanwhile, Sakana resents Tumak and Loana’s attempts at incorporating Shell tribe ways into their culture.

While the cave people are swimming – seemingly for the first time, and inspired by Loana’s example – they are attacked by a female Pteranodon. In the confusion, Loana is snatched into the air by the creature, and dropped bleeding into the sea, when a thieving Cearadactylus intervenes. Loana manages to stagger ashore while the two pterosaurs are battling and then falls down. Tumak arrives but is only greeted by the sounds of the Cearadactylus eating the Pteranodon’s young (the latter had lost the battle), actually believing it is eating Loana.

Tumak initially believes her dead. Sakana then leads a group of like-minded fellow hunters in an armed revolt against Akoba. Tumak, Ahot and Loana (who had staggered back to her tribe after the Pteranodon dropped her into the sea), and other members of the Shell tribe arrive in time to join the fight against Sakana. In the midst of a savage hand-to-hand battle, a volcano suddenly erupts: the entire area is stricken by earthquakes and landslides that overwhelm both tribes. As the film ends, Tumak, Loana, and the surviving members of both tribes emerge from cover to find themselves in a ruined, near-lunar landscape. They all set off – now united – to find a new home

REVIEW:

It seems like everytime there is a compilation of best bikini scenes/posters in film, the two that seem to always be poised at the top are Ursula Andress in Dr. No and Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C. I don’t need to tell you that both of these are extremely entertaining visuals. The poster featuring Welch is still a popular pin-up/wallpaper to this day!

What is this about?

Tumak (John Richardson) is banished from his tribe after angering their leader (his father), Akhoba. After wandering for several days, he comes upon the Shell Tribe, a group that lives on the coast. There, he meets Loana (Raquel Welch, in a fur push-up bra and form-fitting loincloth). She nurses him back to health through all kinds of romantic grunting and groaning. No words are spoken in this prehistoric saga that features moments of pure camp.

What did I like?

Silent. A couple of years ago, I watched another film about prehistoric times, Cavemen. The thing about this and that film is that no words are spoken, other than a few grunts and cavemen speak. With that being said, somehow the audience doesn’t lose interest. Perhaps that has something to do with the scantily clad women, or the sheer beauty of a young Raquel Welch, but I believe it is more a testament to the performance of these actors. It isn’t easy to keep a captive audience with just some grunting and stuff.

Bikini. I don’t think I need to mention it, but Raquel Welch is quite the Betty. Aside from running around half naked, she is just plain gorgeous. It is no wonder that guy went crazy over her. Hell, they still do! She definitely is the selling point of this film, at least in terms of the poster, but don’t be fooled, she isn’t the focal point of the film, but that’s ok, she has enough screentime that it can be forgiven.

Stop-Motion. I was not expecting to get a dose of stop-motion animation, but I was more than happy to see it. I love the work of Ray Harryhausen, may he rest in peace. This isn’t his best selection of creations, but they still were fun to see and far superior to the CGI crap that pollutes the film industry these days.

What didn’t I like?

Fake. The pterodactyl that abducts Raquel near the end is obviously fake. Not the creature, but her likeness. I know part of that has to do with technology of the time, but it seriously looked like they just rolled out some clay and shoved between the dinosaur’s claws. I know they could do better than that. It didn’t have to be perfect, but at least put some effort into it!

Catfight. I will never complain about two gorgeous, scantily clad, sweaty women going at it. However, the battle between the two doesn’t seem to have the buildup to make it as climactic and epic as it should be for a film like this. Part of that may have to do with the lack of dialogue, but I don’t want to use that as an excuse.

Slipup. In one of the scenes that used real animals, there is a random cricket on the side. I am not sure what purpose he serves there, or if this is an accident. I don’t know if this is a big budget film or not, but if they wanted that cricket there, they could have least given it something to do, or turn it around!

Let’s face it, the reason people, including myself, watch One Million Years B.C. is to see a young Raquel Welch in that fur bikini. Look at the poster up there, though. Can you blame us? The rest of the film isn’t bad, but it isn’t something that is memorable. When all is said and done, this is an ok film that has genius marketing. Do I recommend it? Not really. I mean, if you want to see Raquel Welch strut around in a bikini, I hear her movie Fathom is better for that purpose.

3 1/4 out of 5 stars

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2 Responses to “One Million Years B.C.”

  1. […] Welch and see what comes up. I’m sure one of the top 5 pictures is her furry bikini from One Million Years B.C., correct? That is pretty much the film that gave her a career and it is because of her rocking […]

  2. […] just walked off of a photo shoot? I doubt it! Even the penultimate movie cavegirl, Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C., at least looked a little […]

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