The Starving Games

PLOT (spoiler alert!!!):

Kantmiss Evershot practices archery in the forest, but her boyfriend, Dale, surprises her; the arrow accidentlly hits the Wizard of Oz. They return to District 12, where the residents fight over food. Harry, Ron and Hermione also arrive, with Harry attempting a spell; a guard breaks the wand, saying their movie franchise is over. At the Gathering for the 75th annual Starving Games, president Snowballs explains he separated America into districts to keep “stupid stuff” from happening again, such as Lady Gaga being president; due to this, the rich now dress in bright and odd clothing. During the drawing for District 12’s contestants, a bit of trouble occurs as vulgar name puns get drawn first. Petunia, Kantmiss’s sister, tricks Kantmiss into volunteering when she gets picked; Dale tries volunteering too, but moronic Peter Malarky beats him to it.

When the game begins, Kantmiss watches others fight for equipment as their numbers dwindle, due to getting what they want or being killed in scruffles. Kantmiss grabs a backpack and tries fleeing, but the producer sends Angry Birds to attack her; she defeats them and squashes the Annoying Orange. Peter teams up with Marco’s group, who aim to kill Kantmiss. They flee when she knocks down a beehive; Kantmiss is stung, and the venom causes her to hallucinate she is a Na’vi until she is slapped back to her senses by fellow contestant Rudy; they team up, vowing to kill each other after the other contestants. Kantmiss kills some by playing on weaknesses. Rudy gets non-fatally injured, but dies due to a song by Taylor Swift.

Wanting to spice up the games, Snowballs wants a lesbian love story, but learns Kantmiss is the only woman left; thus only a normal romanceis possible. The producer announces a couple can win the games, making Kantmiss decide to team up with Marco over Peter; however, the producer fakes being killed to convince her to search for Peter instead. She finds Peter, who’s been badly injured by Marco’s group via rough back waxing. Kantmiss kills all but Marco, fleeing with Peter to a cave. Since Kantmiss is keeping distant from Peter, the producer offers a trade; he’ll send medical supplies to treat Peter if she gets more intimate with him. As Kantmiss and Peter cuddle for warmth, Gandalf and Hagrid appear in the cave, lecherously groping her; they are promptly evicted. To get better medical supplies, Kantmiss has wild, protected sex with Peter, which is televised. Dale is left disgusted by this and barges into the Starving Games arena.

The next day, Peter tries getting Kantmiss to have sex with him again, but she nearly crushes his fingers in response. They and Marco end up walking around the same tree, to the annoyance of the audience. Kantmiss and Peter surprise Marco, but an armed Dale arrives, telling Kantmiss to come back with him. Kantmiss orders him to leave; he promptly breaks up with her, while she dismisses him as clingy. Marco holds Peter hostage, but Kantmiss shoots a loaf of bread into his eye, killing him. The producer announces there can only be one winner again. Peter tries convincing Kantmiss to commit suicide with him by ingesting poisonous berries, to not give those in charge the satisfaction of them fighting to the death; Kantmiss kills Peter with an arrow, saying it is nothing personal. Afterwards, Nick Fury and the Avengers show up, with Fury saying she wants Kantmiss to join the Avengers team as a replacement for Hawkeye.

REVIEW:

Quite some time has passed since I last saw a good parody film. After watching The Starving Games, it appears that even more time will pass before I see one. I really am wondering if anyone can make a decent spoof anymore. After watching The Hunger Games: Catching Fire again last night, I hope I don’t come off as bitter and jaded in this review.

What is this about?

In this satirical take on The Hunger Games, a young girl named Kantmiss takes part in a vicious competition that pits adolescents against one another. The tongue-in-cheek comedy also spoofs The Avengers, Sherlock Holmes and the Harry Potter saga.

What did I like?

Attempt. When The Hunger Games came out, I said that it wouldn’t be long before a spoof was made. This is a decent attempt, as it does cover the story, skewering certain parts, which I did enjoy. I just can’t say that I loved it. I really enjoyed the part where she used the voice over play by play Robert Downey, Jr. uses in Sherlock Holmes. For some reason, I am thinking that it may have worked better here than in the actual movie it is from.

Katniss Kantmiss. If there is one thing that this film has going for it, that may be the leading lady. She bears a resemblance to Jennifer Lawrence’s Katniss Everdeen. Kantmiss Evershoot, played by Maiara Walsh (her claim to fame is Disney’s Cory in the House) has more of a sense of humor, obviously, and feel more alive than Katniss, but this world isn’t as dark as Panem. I hope we get to see more of this actress as she does seem to have some talent and isn’t half bad looking, either.

What didn’t I like?

Stupid. Maybe my taste in comedy has changed, but there were very few moments in this film in which I laughed. As a matter of fact, from start to finish, I found myself pointing out what was stupid, silly, and just too much for me to handle. I realize the whole purpose of this film is to be ludicrous, and that is just fine, but it really seems like this was made by a bunch of guys watching/reading The Hunger Games while getting drunk/high. Throw in a few pop culture references and be sure to end with some kind of spoof of the biggest film in the past few years, The Avengers, and there you have your film. While it sounds like a good idea, the execution was lacking…severly lacking!

Cast. The biggest name in this films is Diedrich Bader. Every film doesn’t need a big name star to lead it, but usually there will be one or two that will appear. Just look at Movie 43 and InAPPropriate Comedy from last year, if you need further proof. This film couldn’t even bring in a Kardashian! Now what does that tell you?

Lullaby. This film’s version of Rue, the little girl who gets killed in The Hunger Games, is the exact opposite of that character. She has a bad attitude, unkempt appearance, is very unlikable, etc. I was glad when she died, until that boil on the butt of society and overrated hack, Taylor Swift, showed up to play a lullaby. Why couldn’t someone have killed her? That would have given this star an extra two or three stars!!!!

The guys that made The Starving Games, somehow keep getting work, even though they haven’t had a hit film since Scary Movie, and that had the genius of the Wayans behind it! I’m not going to waste anymore time trying to convince or dissuade you from watching this schlock. Simply put, avoid it like a mutated plague that keeps getting stronger with every attempt to cure it. Trust me, your life will be better off without seeing this. I am truly sorry if you have wasted your time reading this or have already watched this “film”, or any other work by Friedberg and Seltzer.

1 out of 5 stars

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