A Haunted House 2

PLOT (spoiler alert!!!):

Malcolm Johnson and his cousin Ray-Ray are driving Malcolm’s possessed girlfriend Kisha to the hospital after he beat her senseless for trying to attack him. Kisha starts making a fuss and fights Malcolm, then breathes into Ray’s face. He passes out at the wheel and collides with a truck. Somehow, everybody is okay, but Malcolm and Ray leave an unconscious Kisha in the backseat and run away. A year later, Malcolm has married Megan, an insecure woman with two kids, her bratty and promiscuous teenage daughter Becky and effeminate son Wyatt, who has a stereotypically black imaginary friend named Tony. The family moves into a new home with their dog, Shiloh Jr. Within minutes, a safe falls on the dog and crushes him. Malcolm hysterically cries all the way to when they bury the dog.

Megan then puts a creepy looking doll named Abigail on a chair by their bed. Malcolm messes around with it until he starts having sex with it. Malcolm carries his camera around to record everything he sees. He meets the neighbor, Miguel, who jumps at every chance he gets to call Malcolm racist whenever he comments on something related to a Mexican stereotype, though all of it is in jest. Weird things start happening again. Malcolm records himself having sex with Megan and notices the Abigail doll turning its head. He also finds old videotapes with a demonic being in it trying to kill a family of three by hanging them from a tree.

He fails when the rope breaks and he never actually gets to hang them. Additionally, Becky finds an old box and develops an attachment to it, and Wyatt continues to hang out with his imaginary friend. Malcolm seeks help from a paranormal psychologist named Professor Wilde. He deduces that Malcolm must have had a previous encounter with a demonic force. Malcolm thinks it has to do with Kisha. Wilde then proceeds to cook meth with some prostitutes. Malcolm finds himself being terrorized and taunted by Abigail, as he is getting sent crude photos from her to his phone. She also ends up burning his clothes. Later, Malcolm sees a box moving in the dark and begins to attack it in every possible way. Megan and the kids run downstairs and tell Malcolm that what was in the box was supposed to be a surprise for him to make up for Shiloh Jr. And so Malcolm pulls out a horribly mangled dog. He blows its head off to put it out of its misery.

Among other weird scenarios that plague the family is Becky opening her box and having a whole swarm of moths fly out. Malcolm fixes this by installing lights to attract bugs to their doom. He also notices the demon, which Professor Wilde says is named Aghoul, taunting him in the videos. Although he tries to explain the weirdness to Megan and the kids, they don’t believe him. To make matters worse, Malcolm comes home the next day to discover Kisha talking to Megan, looking very much not possessed. She has told Megan that Malcolm left her in a ditch to die, and she leaves after flashing him some scary black demon eyes. Later, Malcolm sees Abigail wrote “Miss me?” in red crayon all over the walls. He tries getting rid of her by burying her, but she comes back. He chops her up and barbecues her, but she still comes back.

Malcolm resorts to seeking help from the insane Father Doug Williams. He finds the crazy priest in a church, shanking another priest for absurd reasons. When Malcolm asks for his help, Doug only makes weird comments about the Kardashians coming after him and other men. Malcolm leaves when he thinks he sees demons surrounding a church, but they’re really just church women who make comments about Malcolm being with a white woman. Miguel comes over and offers a chicken to be used as a blood sacrifice. Malcolm ends up wrestling the chicken all across the kitchen, ending with him throwing the chicken up into the ceiling fan where it is decapitated. He and Miguel fry the remains and eat it with waffles.

As a last resort, Malcolm goes to find Ned and Noreen Swanson, a sort of racist and sexually frustrated paranormal investigative husband and wife duo. He brings them to his house, where they determine that the demonic presence has attracted the family to it, explaining Becky’s need for the box, Wyatt’s imaginary friend, and Malcolm’s sexual attraction to Abigail. They take hits from a bong mask and go downstairs to find Becky fully possessed. She flails around and gets thrown everywhere. Malcolm calls upon Doug to come by, but he has a mental breakdown and ends up shooting himself in the head. Becky runs upstairs and Malcolm chases after her. After some reluctance, he gets the demon to transfer itself to himself by having Becky regurgitate red goo. Everybody runs upstairs to find Malcolm possessed. He too pukes up the goo back into Becky’s box. The Swansons take the possessed items, including Abigail so Ned can have sex with her. Everything seems okay until the night when Malcolm and Megan are watching TV and Kisha shows up behind them. She twists Megan’s neck around, sending Malcolm running away.

Ray and his boys come to Malcolm’s house to find Megan dead, along with Becky upstairs, impaled in her bed, and Wyatt is missing. They find Malcolm lying on the floor in the basement, still alive. After a bit of panicked rambling, Kisha comes downstairs, leaving all the guys to scream in fear.

REVIEW:

Marlon Wayans returns with his spoof on horror film with A Haunted House 2. Is this a sequel that anyone was clamoring for? I don’t think so. I remember the first film had a couple of moments, but wasn’t that great and I fear this one may be even worse.

What is this about?

Marlon Wayans returns in this spoofy sequel as the grieving Malcolm, who’s trying to move on after his girlfriend’s untimely tragic death.

What did I like?

Laughs are present. For a comedy, there really isn’t much to be said about the funny moment in this film. This caused me to tread with caution, as I know that Marlon Wayans is nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is, especially without rest of the Wayans clan. I was shocked to find myself chuckling in a couple of places. Nothing worth mentioning, mind you, and neither of these instances were anything to do with Wayans, which should tell you something. At least one can get a laugh out of here, though.

Gabriel. Ever since I saw his first special on Comedy Central, Gabriel Iglesias has been my favorite modern stand-up comedian. I hear my friends and colleague go on and on about Jim Gaffigan, Louis C.K., etc., but those guys just some off as bitter to me. Gabriel seems to enjoy everything he does. I was a bit hard on him for his role in Planes, and I should say that can do better than this, but the guy is getting movie roles, and that is something to be proud of. In the next few years, he’ll be a big star hopefully. In the meantime, this isn’t a big role for the Fluffy one, but it does let him do some of his kind of humor and show some chemistry with Marlon Wayans. In the right project, I’d love to see these two together again sometime.

You give me Joy. Let’s be honest, there really isn’t much to like about this film, but if you’re a fan, then you in for a nice helping of her. For me, I’m not a fan, but ever since D.O.A.: Dead or Alive, I have been a fan of her body. As we see in the bedroom scene, all these years later and she looks as good as ever.

What didn’t I like?

Racial jokes. Not to sound like a complete prude, but can we stop with the racial jokes? A couple of stereotype jokes are fine, but to fall back on racial humor every chance possible just seems low brow. For me, the overabundance of racial jokes, particularly the interracial relationship jabs were just too much, but they kept on coming with them, for some reason.

Doll sex. Marlon Wayans has done some creepy, unorthodox things on screen before, but this has to take the cake. Abigail, the doll who is an obvious ripoff of Annabelle gets a full dose of Wayans, as he basically rapes here. Yes, I said raped a doll. As the film progresses, the doll becomes, shall we say, unstable? Keying Wayans’ car, leaving notes and messages, etc. I half expected her to come to life, like some real life stalker. I was just queasy and uneasy about the whole thing.

Wasted talent. One of the movie review podcasts that I frequently listen to takes issues with Marlon Wayans making these type of foolish films. Why do they say that? Well, Wayans has proven he is a capable actor in films like Requiem for a Dream, and yet he just keeps making films of this nature. There isn’t a moment where he isn’t mugging for the camera, saying something stupid or offensive, or doing something that makes you question his sanity.

A Haunted House 2 does something that I didn’t think would be possible, and that is make A Haunted House watchable. There are a million and one reasons to avoid this film like the plague, so let me just pull one out of the air. It makes an attempt to be an entrant of that horrible found footage genre, and fails. Look, no more need to waste time reading this, just as there is no more need for me to keep writing. This is a bad film that should never have been made! Keep away! Trust me, you’ll thank me for it!

1 1/2 out of 5 stars

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