Sahara

PLOT:

While investigating a deadly water-borne epidemic along the Nile River, adventurer Dirk Pitt uncovers a secret dating back to the U.S. Civil War and battles an evil industrialist bent on killing every living thing in the world’s oceans.

What people are saying:

“Sahara was a surprise find by my wife at a garage sale. Expecting the worst, it turned out to be about the best knock-off of a James Bond film that we have seen, so well done, and with its own plot (though with a few scenes right out of actual Bond films), that if someone had told us that it was put out by the Bond people to inject new blood into the mix, or to rejuvenate “the Franchise”, we might have believed them for a few moments.” 3 stars

“Despite the vast beauty of location settings in Morocco and Spain, the vast lack of chemistry between the two stars is appalling.” 2 1/2 stars

“This is a silly fun movie with a world class cast. Look it’s not a drama, so lighten up. McConaughey and Zahn are well matched. And in Wilson, Macy and the lovely Miss Cruz and you have fun. Good sound track beautiful locations. Give it a try. ” 4 stars

“Sahara was just like sex with a cactus, a terribly painful and scarring experience, but for some reason, I just couldn’t stop.” 1 1/2 stars

“Road to Morocco meets James Bond. A movie with fun written all over it. While an iron clad taking down a modern assault helicopter is a bit of a stretch (even for this movie), Sahara is a personal favorite that delivers on many levels: star power, love story and a happy ending. Two adventurers and a WHO doctor battle an evil warlord and corrupt solar power corporation on their way to finding an ancient civil war ironclad and source of a mysterious illness. Good cinematography, music and clever writing. Stand out performance by William Macy.” 3 1/2 stars

Revisited: Mr. Holland’s Opus

PLOT (spoiler alert!!!):

In 1965, Glenn Holland (Richard Dreyfuss) is a professional musician and composer who has been relatively successful in the exhausting life of a musical performer. However, in an attempt to enjoy more free time with his young wife, Iris (Glenne Headly), and to enable him to compose a piece of orchestral music, the 30-year-old Holland accepts a teaching position.

Unfortunately for Holland, he is soon forced to realize that his position as a music teacher makes him a marginalized figure in the faculty’s hierarchy. He comes face to face with how seriously he is outranked by the high school’s football coach, Bill (Jay Thomas), who ultimately becomes his best friend. Administrators, such as vice principal Gene Wolters (William H. Macy), dislike him, while others, including principal Helen Jacobs (Olympia Dukakis), remind him that he should not teach just because of financial reasons. It is Mrs. Jacobs’ scolding that helps Holland turn a corner. He starts to use rock and roll as a way to help children understand classical music. Reluctantly, he begins seeing his students as individuals and finds ways to help them excel.

When Iris becomes pregnant, Holland uses the money saved up for his orchestrating to buy a house. Their son Cole is born sometime during the summer after his first year of teaching. Holland is then assigned to be in charge of the school marching band. Bill helps him in exchange for allowing football player Louis Russ (Terrence Howard) to play the drums for academic credit.

The film marks the passing decades with newsreels about Vietnam, corresponding to the tragic combat death of Louis, and the death of John Lennon in 1980. The passage of time and the mysteries of personal growth are a frequent underlying theme in this film.

Holland’s lack of quality time with his wife becomes problematic when their son, Cole, is diagnosed as deaf. Holland reacts with hostility to the news that he can never teach the joys of music to his own child. His wife willingly learns American Sign Language to communicate with their son, but Holland learns at a much slower rate, causing further estrangement within the family.

Through three decades, Holland becomes closer to students at John F. Kennedy High School than he is with his own son. At one point in the film, he is briefly tempted by the shining talent of a young female student, who invites him to leave his stressful, unsatisfying life and run off to New York City with her. When Holland expresses to Cole the assumption that he cannot understand what music means to his father, Cole lashes out and reveals that he does appreciate music but needs his father to reach out to him. The incident encourages Holland to find different ways for Cole and other deaf children understand music, and he puts on a concert for them during which he sings and signs Beautiful Boy, directing the song towards Cole.

Holland addresses a series of challenges created by people who are either skeptical of, or hostile towards, the idea of musical excellence within the walls of the average middle-class American high school. He inspires many students, but never has time for himself or his family, forever delaying the composition of his own orchestral composition. Ultimately, he reaches an age when it is too late to realistically find financial backing or ever have it performed.

In 1995, the adversaries of the Kennedy High music program win a decisive institutional victory. Holland’s longtime adversary Gene Wolters, assigned school principal when Jacobs retired, works with the school board to eliminate music, along with the rest of the fine arts program, in the name of necessary budget cuts, thereby leading to Glenn’s early retirement at the age of 60. Glenn is a realist who realizes that his working life is over. He believes that his former students have mostly forgotten him.

On his final day as a teacher, Iris and an adult Cole (who is now a teacher himself) arrive to help Holland pack up. Feeling despondent over his self-perceived lack of achievement, Holland is led to the school auditorium, where his professional life is surprisingly redeemed. Hearing that their beloved teacher is retiring, hundreds of his former pupils have secretly returned to the school to celebrate his career.

Holland’s orchestral piece, never before heard in public, has been put before the musicians by his wife and son. One of his most musically challenged students, Gertrude Lang (Alicia Witt as a child and Joanna Gleason as an adult), who has become governor of the state, sits in with her clarinet. Gertrude and the other alumni ask the retiring teacher to serve as their conductor for the premiere performance of Mr. Holland’s Opus (“The American Symphony”). A proud Iris and Cole look on, appreciating the affection and respect that Holland receives.

REVIEW:

I don’t know where I’d be without the music teachers in my life because, truth be told, the only thing I was ever any good at was music. Well, I was decent at ROTC stuff, but major dad (not the show) took care of that. Mr. Holland’s Opus reminds us all of how important music teachers are in the lives and development of their students (that is not to say that other teachers aren’t as important). The question here is, why is this something that deserves a movie and is it worth watching?

What is this about?

Decades pass after a musician takes a high school teaching job, thinking it’s just an obstacle to reaching his true calling: writing a historic opus.

What did I like?

Say it ain’t so, Coach. A popular stereotype is that the “band geeks” and “jocks” can’t stand each other. Conventional wisdom would have us believe that this comes from coaches and band directors hatred/disdain for each other. I know that’s how it was for me in high school, even though there were a few that burned the candle at both ends. Surprisingly, though, this film throws that out the window. On Mr. Holland’s first day, as he is standing in the lunch line, the P.E. coach comes through, tells him teachers don’t wait in line and a lifelong friendship is started. This is the kind of thing we need to see more of, don’t you think? Coaches can’t always be complete dumb jocks who never grew out of that bully stage of their lives, now can they?

Music in our schools. Sadly, the film’s final act is prefaced with the nightmare of every teacher who isn’t a (football) coach or core curriculum instructor…budget cuts. I don’t need to tell you what got cut, do I? Yes, the music department. Well, all the arts apparently. As an advocate for music in our schools, I could go on some long diatribe about how this happens everyday in our country, but this is not the place. However, as I said with Music of the Heart and Our Song, this brings the plight of our youth, and what is being taken away from them, to the public eye. Richard Dreyfuss has a line in this scene that sums it up best, “…you can cut the arts as much as you want, Gene. Sooner or later, these kids aren’t going to have anything to read or write about.”

High school. Nine times out of ten, when it comes to films about high school, the focus is on the horny and/or overdramatic teenagers. Am I right? Yes, there will be a subplot involving certain teachers, but only just. What is different about this film is that is focuses solely on Mr. Holland and 2 or 3 other faculty members throughout the entire film. As far as students go, there is one that is focused on for each year the film chooses, such as a young Alicia Witt struggling with her clarinet, or Terrence Howard (in his film debut) trying to find the beat, or the lovelorn Jean Louisa Kelly, who brings down the house with her rendition of “Someone to Watch Over Me”. Those three are important, yes, but they aren’t central to the film’s plot, even though Alicia Witt’s character returns for the finale.

What didn’t I like?

Time lapse. So, the film takes its time going through the later half of the 60s, but fast-forwards through the 70s, stops in 1980 to honor John Lennon’s death, then skips the rest of the 80s and end is 1995. I wouldn’t have such an issue with this, except that is seems as if this was done just to save time. There is no real reason to suddenly skip through all those years, especially since the film moves so slow through the 60s!

Performance. First off, with the exception of the final performance, and maybe the one at the school for the deaf, it seemed as if the band/orchestra selections were played by high schoolers, rather than a college band or professionals in a studio *COUGH* Drumline *COUGH*. However, they still didn’t convey that they were actually playing. As a trumpet player myself, it is easiest for me to pick them out, especially when they’re holding the horn with the wrong hand and pressing down multiple keys in rapid succession when only a single note is being played. My other issue is with Richard Dreyfuss’ conducting. It doesn’t matter if you’re left-handed or not, the baton goes in your right hand and your left is used to emote, cue, etc. I give kudos for trying to make it look authentic, but that is a major detail that whoever taught him failed to mention.

Long gig. Man, when Mr. Holland woke up that first day in 1965 to start this teaching gig, I’m sure the last thing he thought was that he’d be doing it for 30 years. The guy was a professional musician. Oh wait…was he? From what we can infer, it seems like it, and the gigs just dried up, but the film never specifically says that is what he was. I don’t really know why, either. All it would have taken is one line to say what he was doing before he started teaching and that’s it, but no, guess that was too much.

Mr. Holland’s Opus has a special place in my heart, and always will, because it shows that teachers make a lasting impression on their students, whether they realize it then or down the road. It also has a great variety of music from its trip through time, including a Gershwin revue, brings up issues that are still relevant today, and takes some chances with tropes that have been popular since tropes began. For me, there isn’t much wrong with this film, except for a few nitpicky things. I highly, highly recommend this as a film to see before you die! So, go check it out!

5 out of 5 stars

Marmaduke

PLOT (spoiler alert):

Marmaduke is a Great Dane living in rural Kansas with a cat named Carlos. His owner, Phil (Lee Pace), works for Bark Organic dog food. Phil is very strict, from Marmaduke’s perspective.

One day, Carlos tells Marmaduke that he overheard Phil saying that they were being transferred to Orange County. They move from Kansas into their new house in California. Phil’s boss, Don Twombly (William H. Macy), has the goal of getting Bark Organic into every Petco store in the country. Phil and Don meet at the dog park to discuss Phil’s assignment – an ad campaign to win over Petco. There, Marmaduke meets a beautiful Rough Collie named Jezebel (Fergie), whose boyfriend is Bosco (Kiefer Sutherland), a controlling and violent Beauceron with two Miniature Pinscher minions named Thunder and Lightning (Damon Wayans, Jr. and Marlon Wayans). Bosco intimidates Marmaduke, who does not want to fight.

Marmaduke then meets Mazie (Emma Stone), who develops a crush on Marmaduke. He also meets Giuseppe (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), a Chinese Crested dog who is afraid of everything, and Raisin (Steve Coogan), a highly intelligent but decidedly minute Dachshund. They get together at night and crash a pedigrees-only party thrown by Bosco, only to be scared away by Bosco. Marmaduke asks Mazie to help him get a girl, whom she presumes is herself but is actually Jezebel.

Marmaduke has Carlos pretend to be lost in the dog park, and the two stage a fight in front of all the other dogs in order to boost Marmaduke’s perceived toughness. Marmaduke then enters a dog surfing contest put together as a promotional stunt by Phil to sway Petco and beats Bosco, who is an established dog-surfing champion. They get into a fight, which appalls the Petco executives.

He then takes Jezebel on Mazie’s dream date, which the latter watches from afar. While the Winslow family are on Don’s boat, Marmaduke throws a party, with most residents of the dog park attending save Mazie, Giuseppe and Raisin. Bosco crashes the party and discovers it was Carlos at the dog park. He then exposes Marmaduke, who loses his pedigree friends. He is left with no friends and a destroyed house. When Phil discovers the house in a wreck, he locks Marmaduke outside for the night. Marmaduke runs away, and leaves Mazie a toy that she had given him earlier. Mazie goes to Marmaduke’s house, and Carlos tells her Marmaduke never returned. She then goes looking for him. Marmaduke in the meantime has met Chupadogra, a wise, elderly English Mastiff (Sam Elliott) who is feared throughout Orange County for presumably killing his owner. In reality, he ran away to lead the pack, but they abandoned him. He has spent the time alone in the woods with nothing but a blanket and his old water bowl, which reads “Buster”. Buster/Chupadogra tells Marmaduke to go home and return to his family while he still has one, and then distracts a dog catcher. Marmaduke leaves, but gets lost.

In the morning, the family discover him missing and begin searching for him. Mazie and the family find him at the same time on the streets, but Mazie falls into the subterranean rainwater conduit after the street below her collapses. Marmaduke jumps in after her and Phil tries to retrieve him, as well as the fire department. The fireman saves Mazie, but loses Marmaduke in the raging water. By this time, Phil has been fired for missing the meeting for the last chance with Petco. He then runs to the aqueduct that the conduits lead to and finds Marmaduke in the raging waters. He begs Marmaduke to let go of the branch he’s holding onto and let the waters carry him to Phil. He reluctantly does, and is saved. Several kids get that on video and put it on YouTube. Since it generates almost 700,000 hits, Phil is rehired. Phil then talks about moving back to Kansas, but the entire family wants to stay in California. Marmaduke later confronts the pedigrees, saying that differences shouldn’t matter, that they’re all dogs and should have an equal share of the park. Everyone agrees and turn on Bosco, who leaves, vowing revenge. Meanwhile, the YouTube video also wins the company the Petco deal. He and Don begin thinking of new commercials when they ask each other about if the dogs could talk to each other, or even dance.

The finale then shows Marmaduke, Jezebel, Mazie, Giuseppe, Raisin, and Buster, among others, dancing and singing “What I Like About You”, which turns out to be the commercial. In the end, Marmaduke and Mazie are dating, Marmaduke and Jezebel are friends and all is well.

REVIEW:

I hate dogs! They are evil creatures that should be burned in hell! That being said, my personal feelings aside, whoever it was that did this to Marmaduke should be, to quote Garfield, “drug out into the street and shot”. Marmaduke is perhaps the most God-awful attempt at bringing a comic strip to life.

Did anything work?

Lee Pace. I’m still burned that Pushing Daisies was so abruptly and unjustly cancelled, but he seems to be doing alright for himself. While he isn’t the star of the film, he actually makes it watchable.

They remembered this is not about the humans. In contrast to what I said about Pace, I found it refreshing that they remembered this is a movie about Marmaduke, not the family or some other random human (played by an overpaid actor, btw).

What didn’t work?

Talking animals. I’m not one of those people who hates the sheer thought of talking animals, but I do hate it when they do this weird CGI on live animals that animated only their bottom lip. It freaks me out and looks tacky and cheap. They did this crap in Underdog and it nearly ruined that film for me.

The cast. Not a bad ensemble, but together they don’t work, especially the animals. I found myself more than once wondering WTF?!?

Wasted talent. I’m speaking specifically of William H. Macy, Emma Stone, and Judy Greer. All of which have small roles in this picture, Stone’s is a little bigger than the others, but they are all just wastes, especially Greer, who does nothing but pop up as the token housewife a couple of times, said her lines, and then we don’t see her again until the last act. I’m sure they could have gotten any Joe (or Jane) Schmo off the street to do these roles.

Owen Wilson. For some reason, this guy gets on my nerves more and more. As Lightning McQueen, his voice works, but not as Marmaduke. I guess there is a bright spot, though. We weren’t forced to see his deformed nose!

The plot. Could they have picked a more overused, cliché story than this? Small town family moves to the big city and tries to fit in. There is even the love triangle complete with the bully who gets humiliated, gets payback, only to culminate in a happy ending. I’m not saying they needed to make this some kind of dark tale, but they could have done something different with those elements.

I’m actually offended that they wasted time, money, and “talent” on this piece of crap they dare to call Marmaduke. I’m sure the character’s creator was none to pleased with this, I know I wouldn’t be. This has to have been the most painful 87 minutes I’ve spent in my life. Don’t waste your time with this. Trust me, you’d be more entertained clipping your toe nails!

1 out of 5 stars

Jurassic Park 3

PLOT (spoiler alert!!!):

Eric Kirby (Trevor Morgan) and his soon-to-be stepfather, Ben Hildebrand (Mark Harelik), go on a parasailing trip off the coast of Isla Sorna. After passing through a mist off the coast, it is discovered that the two men piloting the boat have gone missing, causing the boat to collides with rocks on the shoreline. The parasailers unhook their line from the boat and try to control their descent to the uninhabited island, which has been declared a restricted area for quite some time.

The film then transitions to another scene with Alan Grant explaining to Ellie Satler’s son Charlie (in his sandbox) that carnivorous dinosaurs like fighting with each other rather than with herbivores, while Charlie continues to make his toy Triceratops and Brontosaurus bite each other. It is then revealed that Satler and Grant were never married, and that she is in fact married to a doctor named Mark.

Back at Grant’s dig site in Snake Water, Grant’s assistant Billy Brennan is shown digging up a velociraptor skeleton (similar to that in the start of the first film), whilst flirting with one of the student paleontologists. Later in one of the research tents, Billy reveals the replica of a Velociraptor’s resonating chamber he created after scanning a raptor skull. Grant is then approached by Paul (William H. Macy) and Amanda Kirby (Téa Leoni), an allegedly wealthy couple who ask Dr. Grant to escort them on an aerial tour of Isla Sorna. Grant initially turns them down, but changes his mind after the Kirbys offer to fund his dig.

The plane carrying Grant, Billy, the Kirbys and three mercenaries arrives at Isla Sorna. Dr. Grant is surprised when the pilots tell the group that they will be landing, and starts to revolt before being knocked unconscious by one of the mercenaries, Cooper (John Diehl). Grant later regains consciousness when Amanda uses a megaphone to call out to somebody in the jungle, and a roar is heard followed by several gunshots. Grant determines that the roar is not that of a Tyrannosaurus, but of something bigger. The mercenaries Nash (Bruce A. Young) and Udesky (Michael Jeter) emerge shouting that they have to leave. As the plane starts down the runway, Cooper appears. Suddenly, a Spinosaurus dashes in front of the plane, killing Cooper and grazing the leaving airplane, which then crashes into the jungle. The Spinosaurus attacks the plane and kills Nash before the remains fall to the ground. Grant, Billy, Paul, Amanda and Udesky flee the scene as the Spinosaurus inspects the fuselage. They then run into a young male Tyrannosaurus, which pursues them back into the Spinosaurus. The two predators proceed to battle each other and the Spinosaurus kills the Tyrannosaurus by snapping its neck as the group escapes.

After finding some peace, Grant learns that the Kirbys are actually a divorced couple of small businessmen in search of their son Eric, who was stranded on the island along with Amanda’s fiancé Ben eight weeks prior. The group decides to follow Grant’s decision of heading towards the coast in hopes of being rescued. As they travel through the jungle, they discover a tangled parasail with Ben’s skeleton and a video camera containing footage of his last moments with Eric.

The group comes across a derelict InGen laboratory. After exploring the compound, they are attacked by a Velociraptor. The group traps the raptor, which calls for help as the group leaves the buildling. Outside, they are pursued by the Velociraptor’s pack, and Udesky is left behind. The alpha male raptor snaps his spinal cord, killing him. Grant is also separated, but is rescued from the raptors by Eric, who uses gas grenades to disperse the pack. The group reunites, but is separated by a spiked barrier fence. During this time, Eric hears the ringtone of his father’s satellite phone. It is then revealed that sound is emanating from within the very Spinosaurus that attacked them at the landing strip. On the verge of being eaten, Grant and Eric manage to escape through a hole in the fence and the pursuit ends as they escape into a building.

Inside, it is discovered that Billy stole two eggs from the raptor nest in hopes of using them to fund their digging. Grant and berates Billy as being “no better than the people who built this place.” Grant decides to dispose of the eggs into the river, but changes his mind and decides to store them in his bag instead. The group then sets out for a boat docked at a nearby river. They pass through a massive aviary dome, and are attacked by Pteranodons. Billy is presumed to be killed when he rescues Eric from a nest of hungry dinosaur chicks, leaving Grant in a state of remorse. The group escapes onto the boat, but while navigating down the river, a phone ring is heard. They find some Spinosaurus dung, on which the satellite phone is recovered.

As the survivors travel down the river, the Spinosaurus emerges from the water and attacks them. Grant attempts to call Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern), but can only yell “The river! Site B!” as the boat submerges. Paul distracts the Spinosaurus by climbing a construction crane, while Grant shoots a flare which ignites the boat’s spilled oil, driving away the dinosaur.

The next morning, the group is close to shore when the Velociraptor pack reappears. Grant delivers the eggs and uses Billy’s raptor resonating chamber to confuse the pack. The sound of an approaching helicopter causes the raptors to leave peacefully with the eggs. On the beach, Marine helicopters and infantry arrive. The party boards the helicopter where they are reunited with Billy, who is seriously injured but still alive. As the helicopter departs, three Pteranodons are seen flying off in the distance to which Grant suggests that they are searching for new nesting grounds. The film ends with the pteranodons soaring majestically into the clouds.

REVIEW:

The final film in the Jurassic Park trilogy seems to be some sort of mutant offspring of its predecessors.

First off, it should be noted that Jurassic Park 3 is not based on a book, but rather just some random script that money hungry Hollywood decided to greenlight. To my knowledge, with the exception of movie novelizations, there was never a third book.

Now, I have to commend this flick on bringing the action back to screen. In The Lost World: Jurassic Park, it seemed to have been traded off for Jeff Goldblum’s stammering. It is great to see a film with dinosaurs that actually act as dinosaurs, rather than zoo animals on a rehearsed rampage.

While on the topic of the dinosaurs, I have to say that with each film they have gotten better looking and more detailed. Are they scary? Eh…perhaps, but no more than a crocodile. If you in the situation where they were threatening your life, then yes, they are scary, otherwise, they are just giant reptiles and such.

This story left me scratching my head. For starters, one has to wonder why anyone would go anywhere near Isla Sorna, especially after what happened in the last film. For that matter, why weren’t the dinosaurs rounded up and just transferred to the original Jurassic Park. I can’t help but wonder these things, because it seems as if this was just a cheap plot device and not something that was well thought out to deliver a great film worthy of being a successor to the original Jurassic Park.

Keeping with this cheap plot idea, doesn’t it seem rather odd how they shoehorned in the stars from the original film. Laura Dern and Sam Neil both return; Neil in a starring role and Dern in what is basically a cameo, but pivotal to the film’s abrupt ending. It seemed to me as if they were brought in to just tie the film together, or bookend them, if you will. This may have been a good idea on paper, but the way this was handled just didn’t work for me. Perhaps if there was a more resolute ending, it would have been better.

William H. Macy and Tea Leoni join the cast as a divorced couple whose son disappeared while parasailing near the island than hosts site B. They hire Neil to find him since he is familiar with the island, and under false pretense of being able to pay him anything.

I was surprised with the chemistry between them, but at times it felt as if they were there just for comic relief. I have no issue with comic relief, but there is a time and place for it. The times they were trying to be funny weren’t the right moments, or maybe they just weren’t funny. I’m still not sure which one it is.

Jurassic Park 3 brings this series to an end…or does it. Rumors have picked p lately that a fourth picture is in the works. I hope this is not true. Unless Michael Crichton specifically writes a novel for it, and the filmmakers can capture the magic that made the first film such a classic, they shouldn’t even bother.

So, what is the final verdict on this film? With a mixture of action, adventure, comedy, and a slight love story, all the elements are here to make this a really good movie. That’s just it, though, all it is good, not great. The pieces don’t all fit together the way they’re supposed to, but somehow they make do. Would I recommend this? Well, if you’re watching the trilogy, then yes, but as a stand alone film, I’d be hesitant. It isn’t a horrible picture. Far from it, as a matter of fact, just not the best piece of cinema you’ll see involving dinosaurs.

3 1/2 out of 5 stars

Shorts

PLOT:

The Plot is put into “a series of shorts” shown in non-chronological order.

Episode Zero

The Blinkers
Characters: Eddie and Betty

The movie starts before the logo with a pair of twins (Cambell Westmoreland and Zoe Webb) who decide to have a staring contest. The game throughout the course of the movie as a running gag. Both brother and sister lose because their mom snapped her fingers in front of their faces, causing both to blink at the same time. As they wondered who won the game they began a new round, which starts the logo and begins the film.

Episode Two

Alien8ed
Character: Toby “Toe” Thompson

Toby “Toe” Thompson (Jimmy Bennett) begins telling the story from his point of view and explaining The Black Box Inc, where all the adults work. It is this company that creates the “Black Box”, a small cube that can fill any technological need and which every adult at Black Falls works at. Toe goes to school only to be bullied by his worst enemy Helvetica “Hel” Black (Jolie Vanier) and her brother Cole (Devon Gearhart). Toe speculates in front of everyone that Hel loves him, which infuriates Hel. As Toe walks home Cole and his gang start throwing rocks at Toe, one of which is the rainbow colored wishing rock. Toe wishes for friends which come in the form of small aliens. Toe takes the aliens to school, which leads to a series of events ending with Toe and Hel falling from the school’s roof with broken arms. The aliens leave, but Toe keeps the rock. One alien says Toe has friends all around, but he doesn’t know it.

Episode One

The Wishing Rock
Characters: Loogie, Laser and Lug Short.

The Wishing Rock appears for the first time in front of the Short’s House. The three brothers Loogie (Trevor Gagnon), Laser (Leo Howard), and Lug (Rebel Rodriguez) use the rock to wish for a giant fort. The brothers start an argument on who gets to wish for something and the rock ends up falling into the fort’s “canyon”, which Loogie filled with snakes and alligators. The brothers escape with the rock and try to decide what to do with it. Lug and Loogie prefer to use it for fun, but Laser wants to use it wisely. To solve the dilemma, Loogie wishes that one of them was super smart but, as he was not more specific, the power is given to their nearby infant sister (portrayed by Bianca Rodriguez and voiced by Elizabeth Avellan) who convinces the boys to lose the rock into a pile of dirt, where Cole finds it the next day to throw it at Toe

Episode Four

Big, Bad, Booger
Characters: Nose, Toe and Loogie

Toe’s older sister Stacey (Kat Dennings) arrives to tutor “Nose” Noseworthy (Jake Short), Toe’s old germaphobic friend. Nose picks his nose against his father’s wishes and accidentally flicks the booger into his father’s radioactive work study. Toe and Loogie, now friends, arrive at Nose’s house in time to see Nose’s booger mutate into a giant monster. They leave as quickly as possible, but Toe gets caught by the booger. Nose rescues him by saying that if the booger mutant should eat his friend, Nose will eat the booger’s friend (another booger), and the two run out of the house as soon as the booger mutant gives in to Nose’s commands.But goes ahead and tries to eat Toe and Nose. After helping Nose’s father (William H. Macy) capture the monster outside of the house, Toe and Loogie take the rock and leave.

Episode Three

The Miscommunicators
Characters: Mrs. Thompson, Mr. Thompson

Mrs. and Mr. Thompson (Leslie Mann and Jon Cryer) are having trouble with their relationship, as Mr. Carbon Black (James Spader) forces them to compete in making a new sales idea for the black box. Mrs. Thompson goes to look at Toe’s phone, and finds the rock on the floor in his room. She takes the rock just as Toe wakes up. She and Mr. Thompson go to a Black Box Inc. costume party. While on the patio of Mr. Black’s house, she wishes that she and her husband were closer, due to the fact that earlier, Mr. Thompson texted her hugs and kisses, while literally standing right next to her. They become mutated together into a two-headed person and try to hide from Mr. Black. He finds them and invites them inside (thinking they’re wearing a costume). Meanwhile, Toe realizes that Mrs. Thompson took the rock and rushes to the costume party, despite Helvetica warning him against coming. Hel finds the rock as Toe arrives to try and explain its power. Toe is interrupted by Cole, who dumps him in the garbage. An infuriated Hel wishes Cole into a dung beetle before losing the rock. The rock is found by Mr. Black who, unaware of its power, accidentally wishes for all of the employees to go for each others throats. In the chaos, Toe retrieves the Rock and wishes everyone back to normal including his parents. Hel takes the stone, wishes off her casts and escapes before Toe throws the rock as far as he can, where it lands at the Noseworth’s house.

Episode Five

The End
Characters: Everybody

After the events of episode 4, Toe and Loogie contemplate what to do with the rock. They are ambushed by the rest of the kids and they all fight over the rock until it winds up in the hands of Mr. Black. Mr. Black wishes that he was the most powerful thing in the world. He turns into a giant Black Box and the children team up to stop him. Soon, the infant tells them that the rock is starting to feel misused, as shown by the fact that the rock starts undoing all of their wishes. She also tells them the rock could destroy the Earth because of all of the petty wishes they make. Together they get rid of it and all of the events that happened because of the wishes disappear. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson state they plan to work together to Mr. Black who agrees. He later reverts the Black Box into the Green Box, suggesting it to be more environmental. Mr. Noseworthy and son lose their germaphobia, Mr. and Mrs. Thompson become closer, and last it is suggested that Hel and Toe will marry in the future,then Hel said “I didn’t say that”. All the children become friends and walk off while stating they wished their story became a Hollywood movie, breaking the 4th wall and concluding the movie

REVIEW:

 Like many of you, I saw the trailer for this film and was like WTF?!? However, my nephew loved it and he and I have similar tastes, so I decided to give this a shot. Man, was I surprised.

First off, let me say that this is no doubt a kids movie, so if you’re looking for anything adult in it, you’d best go find something else. Second, I have a newfound respect for director Robert Rodriguez. I haven’t seen any of the Spy Kids movies, but I have seen some of his other adult, violent films. The way he is able to go from those to this is amazing.

Shorts is a series of…um…shorts that are all connected to tell one story of a town and their adventures with a rainbow wishing rock.

I’m not quite sure why it is a rainbow-colored rock, other than that gives it a distinctive look.

If you’ve seen any of Rodriguez’s other kiddie films, then you know that the effects aren’t exactly the best, but they are sure to grab the eye of their target audience. While some critics have all but crucified him for this, I applaud him. Sure, these things look fake, but that’s just fine. Seriously, we all know these things aren’t real, so what the need to make them look real?

We need to keep an eye on this young cast. They could all be future stars some day. Leave us not forget that Taylor Lautner starred in a Rodriguez film before he went on to the Twilight franchise. He was Sharkboy on The ADventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

The standout, though, is little Jolie Vanier. I read somewhere that she is a dead ringer for Christina Ricci. I don’t see it, but hopefully she’ll have the same kind, if not better, career than Christina.

On the adult side of things, James Spader makes a great villain. He seems to just fit perfectly in this role.

Kat Dennings is hot as ever, as is Leslie Mann.

William H. Macy is totally believable as the germophobic scientist and Jon Cryer does all he can not to get lost in the shuffle and fast pace of the film.

When the dust clears and Shorts ends, you are left with a sense of wonderment and awe that is rarely felt from film today. Robert Rodriguez has put together a great film here, covering p the randomosity of it by having the narrator say he remembers it out of order. I highly recommend this to everyone!

4 1/2 out of 5 stars

Thank You for Smoking

PLOT:

Nick Naylor is the Vice President and chief spokesman for the Academy of Tobacco Studies and the protagonist of the film, which follows his career as a talking head for Big Tobacco. Naylor appears in public speaking engagements and on television programs defending the cigarette companies. Each week, he meets with Polly Bailey and Bobby Jay Bliss, lobbyists for the alcohol and firearms industries respectively, and refers to the trio as “the M.O.D. Squad” (“Merchants Of Death”). The antagonist of the film, Senator Finisterre (D-Vermont) (William H. Macy), advocates adding a skull and crossbones label to all cigarette packaging, attempting to ward off the American people from smoking. To deal with this PR nightmare, Naylor attempts to convince big wigs in the film industry to “put the sex back in cigarettes” by making actors smoke tobacco on screen (product placement). Nick also plans to appear before the U.S. Senate to fight the packaging bill. Amidst his plans, Naylor tries to build a better relationship with his son, Joey, and has an affair with Heather Holloway, a seductive reporter with a secret agenda of her own. When Naylor’s world seems to come crashing down, his true talent as a public speaker and strategist emerge.

REVIEW:

Thank You for Smoking has been on my list of films that I’ve been putting off and putting off, but because of some weirdness wtith Netflix this week, it slipped in and I was able to watch it.

I’m going to get straight to the point with this. The film is a satirical look at how ridiculously over-the-top people have gotten with trying to curb smoking.

Aaron Eckhart has some of the best lines in the film. I’m not going to quote him, but let’s just say he says what we’re all thinking in regards to the witch hunt against tobacco companies.

Eckart leads a talented cast that includes William H. Macy, Katie Holmes, J.K. Simmons, and cameo appearances by Dennis Miller and Joan Lunden. Eckhart has all the suave and sophistication needed to pull off this role, and headline this flick. I won’t say he hold it together, though, because everyone contributes equally.

The L.A. segment if this film didn’t sit right with me. I know that his son is more or less learning what exactly his dad does for a living, but it still didn’t sit right with me that he took him out there with him. Also, the bribe of the Marlboro Man confused me a bit, but that may have been because I got a bit distracted by something else when he was convincing him.

While I didn’t love this picture, I did enjoy it. Was it worth the wait? Eh…I can’t say that, but it wasn’t a waste of time watching it, either. The subject matter alone should make you want to at least check it out, especially if you’re a smoker or have strong feelings about smoking. If you get the chance, check this out.

3 1/2 out of 5 stars

Mystery Men

PLOT:

In the fictional metropolis of Champion City, three men (Mr. Furious, The Shoveler, and the Blue Raja) attempt to make a name for themselves as heroes, but find themselves upstaged by the well-sponsored Captain Amazing. However, Amazing is finding that his skill at capturing villains has left the city with virtually no crime, and his sponsors are threatening to end their deals. In order to create a need for a superhero, Amazing uses his alter ego, the billionaire lawyer Lance Hunt, to argue for the release of the insane Casanova Frankenstein. The plan backfires; once reunited with Tony P and his Disco Boys, Frankenstein blows up the insane asylum, captures Amazing, and sets his sights on creating a doomsday device, the “Psycho-frakulator” which can bend reality. Mr. Furious, while spying on Frankenstein’s mansion, discovers Amazing’s abduction, and tells the others. The three realize they need more allies, and through word-of-mouth and try-outs, they bring aboard The Spleen, Invisible Boy, and the Bowler. The newly formed team, fumbling over each other, attempt to confront Frankenstein in his limo, but succeed only in annoying him and vandalizing his car. A later attempt to sneak into his mansion to rescue Capt. Amazing ends when they inadvertently kill the hero with the Psycho-frakulator.

Without Amazing, the team believes there is no way they can save the city. A mysterious man named The Sphinx helps to restore their morale and plan another assault on Frankenstein’s mansion. They also enlist the help of non-lethal weapons expert Dr. Heller who provides them with armaments and the parts to make their assault vehicle, the Herkimer Battle Jitney. Mr. Furious, feeling that both his position of authority and his apparent lack of powers are in question, finds solace in talking with Monica, a diner waitress, who tells him to just be himself. Mr. Furious rejoins the team, and they lay their attack on the mansion, subduing most of the henchmen with their weapons and powers. Unfortunately, as the heroes approach Frankenstein, he reveals that he has kidnapped Monica, then proceeds to activate the Psycho-frakulator and wreak havoc upon the city. As the team figures out how to stop the device, Mr. Furious takes on Frankenstein. After being taunted by and taking a beating from Frankenstein, Mr. Furious unleashes his anger power and defeats Frankenstein who is thrown into the core of the Psycho-frakulator and is killed by its reality-bending powers. The rest of the team helps the Bowler use her bowling ball (containing her father’s skull) to destroy the Psycho-frakulator. They escape the mansion as the device implodes upon itself.

As the film closes, the team is interviewed by reporters, begging to know what their team name is. As they argue amongst themselves, one reporter offers up the “Mystery Men”, but the others don’t listen.

REVIEW:

When I first saw this film years ago, I thought that it some sot of parody of superheroes, but it turns out that it is loosely based on an actual comic called The Flaming Carrot. Strangely enough, the carrot doesn’t appear in the film. No matter, this is still one of those films that is better than people give it credit for.

We all know that 99.9% of the superhero flicks these days are all about dark, brooding, moody, violent characters. It seems like a crime to have a fun flick such as this where you know who the hero is and who the villains are. It is for this reason, that I particularly liked it. A change of pace is always welcome.

Our heroes are pretty much as incompetent as they can be. It’s a miracle they’re still alive, to tell you the truth. After Captain Amazing is kidnapped, they realize they need help and recruit. Unfortunately, most of the other superheroes in the city are even worse than they are. The one bright spot is The Bowler, played by (surprisingly hot in this film) Janene Garafolo, she not only has power, but her character feels whole. What I mean by that is that the others just seems to be there for the sake of being there. We get s little bit of origin of a few of the others, but Garafolo’s character was so fully developed, she could have spun off into her own film.

The villains, by all accounts, shouldn’t be as effective as they are. For goodness sakes, they’re a bunch of disco clad thugs. Who is going to cringe in fear of someone listening to “Boogie Oogie Oogie”? Geoffrey Rush, though, makes for a good supervillain, Casanova Frankenstein. Perhaps this is what led to him becoming the villanous Captain Barbossa?

The scenery is obviously fake for the most part, but the when they are at The Shoveler’s house, the neighborhood is so bright and colorful, it reminded of the contrast of light and dark you get from a Tim Burton flick. Nothing wrong with that, but did it have to be bright pink?

Acting wise, there are 3 to keep your eye on. The aforementioned Janene Garofalo as The Bowler, Geoffrey Rush as Casanova Frankenstein, and also Hank Azaria as the Blu Raja (who doesn’t wear a bit of blue the entire film). If you’re familiar with Azaria, you know he’s a master of voices and accents. Just watch The Simpsons and you’ll hear him more than you think. The backstory he came up with for the Blue Raja, along with the accent was pretty impressive.

On the flipside, Ben Stiller, once again gives an over-the-top performance trying to be the star in an ensemble pice. When he stormed off before the big climax, I was hoping he wouldn’t come back. Look, I have nothing against Stiller, but it seems like everytime he’s in a picture that has an ensemble cast, he HAS to be the star. Quite frankly, here, he has no reason to be the star, and really isn’t, but you can’t tell him that.

Mystery Men has gained a bit of a cult following in recent years. As I said before, its not as bad as some would lead you to belive. At the same time, don’t expect too much. This film is above average, especially for its time, but it suffers from bad writing and acting more than anything else. Yes, it could be better and funnier, maybe even had more action, but it could also be a whole lot worse, to tell you the truth.

3 out of 5 stars

Pleasantville

PLOT:

Although David (Tobey Maguire) and his sister Jennifer (Reese Witherspoon) are twins, they lead dramatically different high school social lives. Jennifer is concerned mainly with her appearance, relationships and popularity, while David has few friends and cannot even drum up the courage to talk to a girl on whom he has a crush. He spends most of his spare time on the couch, watching television. Jennifer, on the other hand, is more assertive and at the beginning of the film makes a date with Mark Davis, one of the most popular boys in school.

Their mother (Jane Kaczmarek) leaves Jennifer and David alone at home while she heads out of town for a rendezvous with her boyfriend (who is later revealed to be nine years younger than she is). The twins begin to fight over the use of the downstairs TV; Jennifer wants to watch an MTV concert with Mark, while David needs the TV in order to watch a marathon of his favorite show, Pleasantville.

Pleasantville is a black-and-white ’50s sitcom (a crossover of Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best) that centers around the idyllic Parker family — George (William H. Macy), his wife Betty (Joan Allen), and their two children, Bud and Mary Sue. David is an expert on every episode and wants to watch the marathon so he can win a trivia contest. During the fight between David and Jennifer, the remote control breaks and the TV cannot be turned on manually. A mysterious TV repairman (Don Knotts) shows up uninvited, and quizzes David on Pleasantville before giving him a strange-looking, futuristic remote control. The repairman leaves, and David and Jennifer promptly resume fighting. However, through some mechanism of the remote control, they are transported into the television, ending up in the Parkers’ black and white Pleasantville living room. David tries to reason with the repairman (who communicates with him through the Parkers’ TV set) but succeeds only in chasing him away. David and Jennifer must now pretend they are, respectively, Bud and Mary Sue Parker.

Breakfast in the Parker house is promptly served by stay-at-home mother Betty, and consists of generous servings of bacon, eggs, waffles, pancakes, ham, honey, sausage, and other fatty foods. Jennifer is disgusted at the thought of eating so much “animal fat.” On the way to school, the pair watch as a group of firemen rescue a cat out of a tree, and Jennifer meets Skip (Paul Walker), the captain of the basketball team and her soon-to-be boyfriend. David tells her that they must stay “in character,” she must make small-talk with her three monochrome friends and not disrupt the lives of the Pleasantville citizens, who do not notice any physical differences between the old Bud and Mary Sue and David and Jennifer. In order to keep the plot in line, Mary Sue agrees to go on a date with Skip, although the two have very different ideas of what a date constitutes.

The date between Skip and Mary Sue turns out to be the first catalyst for change in the town. Skip has no knowledge of sex until Mary Sue introduces him to it. The plot of the traditional show is further thrown out of sequence when Bud’s boss Mr. Johnson (Jeff Daniels), who runs the soda shop, becomes dissatisfied with his boring, mundane life, confiding in Bud that the only time of the year during which he is happy is Christmas, due to the fact that he gets to paint something new every December 3rd for the Christmas mural in his shop’s window. Bud initially attempts to convince him to carry on, saying that even if Mr. Johnson does not like his job, he should still do it anyway, but David soon realizes his error and gives Mr. Johnson an art book, encouraging his true passion.

Meanwhile, Skip tells the other boys about sex, and soon the teenagers begin to experiment, leading to a sort of sexual revolution. Betty is curious (leading to a sex talk between Betty and Mary Sue) and, knowing that her husband would never do any of the things Mary Sue describes, engages in masturbation while bathing. As she climaxes, a tree outside on the Parkers’ lawn spontaneously combusts.

Bud, realizing the firemen have no other experience than fetching cats out of trees for neighbors, teaches them how to put out fires and is awarded a medal. He is thus noticed by a beautiful cheerleader named Margaret (Marley Shelton), who bakes him oatmeal cookies — cookies she was supposed to bake for a boy named Whitey (David Tom). Bud’s act of heroism has inadvertently changed the storyline, but he seizes the moment and asks Margaret out for a date. When the TV repairman returns and berates him for altering the show so much, Bud turns off the TV, relinquishing his ability to go home in the process.

Pleasantville soon begins changing at a rapid pace. Double beds become available in stores, colored paints available to buy, students engage in sexual displays in public, and Pleasantville’s beleaguered wives become tired of their household duties and begin to think, causing their husbands to reel in shock at their behavior. Meanwhile, things about the town which have changed from the original plotline begin to develop full and vibrant colors, rather than remaining black and white. The mayor, Big Bob (J.T Walsh) notices these changes and becomes concerned. He recruits George Parker, as a respected citizen, to the Pleasantville Chamber of Commerce to help normalize the town again, along with groups of other citizens who remain black and white. At this point, Betty has become “colored” as well and is afraid that George will hate her. Bud helps her to conceal the color with her old make-up, which is still black and white.

People in Pleasantville begin to explore hidden abilities and revel in their new freedoms. Mr. Johnson begins to paint, while Betty finds that housework no longer interests her. The basketball team loses their first game (previously, not only had they never lost, but they had never missed any shots), while students begin visiting the public library and reading books recommended by Mary Sue and Bud. Ironically, Mary Sue/Jennifer, who had never shown any interest in school, finds she likes reading so much that she rejects Skip in favor of a book by D. H. Lawrence, and finds her own color.

Gradually, more objects begin turning multicolor, including flowers and the faces of people who have experienced bursts of passion or change. The only people who remain unchanged are the town fathers, led by Mayor Big Bob who sees the changes as eating away at the moral values of Pleasantville. Certain youths, such as Skip and Whitey and their friends, also remain unaffected. They resolve to do something about their increasingly distant wives and disaffected youths. A town meeting is called. Betty falls in love with Mr. Johnson and leaves George for him, no longer wishing to hide her colored face.

Behavior similar to Nazism, as well as racial segregation and subsequent rioting similar to that of the African-American Civil Rights Movement, soon reach Pleasantville, touched off by a nude painting of Betty on the window of Mr. Johnson’s soda shop; the window is smashed with a park bench, and the soda shop is destroyed, piles of books are burned, and anyone who is “colored” is harassed in the streets. Bud earns his color by defending Betty from a gang of thugs led by Whitey.

He begins to grow from a quiet loner into a strong leader, advocating resistance to the new “Pleasantville Code of Conduct”, a list of regulations preventing people from visiting the library and Lovers’ Lane, playing loud music, or using paint colors other than black, white, or gray.

In protest against the mundane Pleasantville outlook, Bud and Mr. Johnson paint a colorful mural on a brick wall, depicting Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, winged books rising from piles of burning literature, men and women dancing together to rock music, and other things relevant to the changes in their world. For this they forced to spend the night in a jail cell. Bud is visited then by George, who wonders why Betty has changed, after he reveals he hasn’t eaten in a very long time because he doesn’t know how to cook. Bud simply replies that “people change,” to which George wonders aloud if they couldn’t just change back to the way things were.

Bud and Mr. Johnson are brought to trial in front of the entire town, with the monochrome citizens on the ground floor as witneses, segregated from the “colored” residents who are made to sit on a balcony as democratic voters.

George gains his color when, in the courtroom, he cries for the loss of his wife after Bud helps him realize the truth about what he actually misses (Betty herself, not the tasks she performs). Mr. Johnson is repentant and tries to haggle with the Mayor, but Bud speaks out, finally arousing enough anger and indignation in Big Bob that the Mayor himself becomes colored as well.

With this, the entire town becomes colored — and the people of Pleasantville are finally introduced to the rest of the world. Televisions at the television repair shop now display full-colored images of various scenic vistas around the world, such as the Pyramids at Giza and the Eiffel Tower, and Main Street, which had previously been a circuit that led back to its beginning again, now leads away to other streets, and ultimately to other towns and cities as well.

Jennifer chooses to stay behind in this alternate world, planning to go to university out of town as Mary Sue Parker. David returns using the remote control and finds his mother crying in the kitchen, distraught over her predictable, middle-aged life and her failed relationship with her junior lover. She complains to him that her life was not supposed to run this undesirable course.

David replies, saying, “It’s not supposed to be anything.”

The movie ends with a cut back to Jennifer/Mary Sue, reading a book to a sweetheart on the university steps, and with a shot of Betty and George, reunited; however, when Betty turns to look at her husband, it is Mr. Johnson who appears in his place.

REVIEW:

I’m nearly as big a fan of old black and white TV as David is in this film. Don’t judge me! You can’t sit there and tell me that shows that were made back there are not infinitely superior, original, and more entertaining than the sex driven, reality crap, and cop/crime dram clones that are on the air today.

Having said that, I really relate to Tobey Maguire’s character since I know pretty much all there is to know about I Love Lucy.Not exactly the same thing, but you get the idea. Tobey does a good job of portraying the character development of David from the beginning to end.

It may be the fact that I don’t watch too many of Reese Witherspoon’s films, or it could be the clothes, but she seemed quite a bit more “blessed” in the films than in others. Bust size aside, she makes one of the most dramatic changes of the film. In the beginning she is a slut, who I would wager is barely hanging on in her classes. By film’s end, she’s off to college. Now that’s a turnaround, and all it took was some time in the past.

Don Knotts, who we all remember from The Andy Griffith Show,shows up here and there as the strange TV repairman that gave the twins the remote control that allowed them to be transported to Pleanstville. In typical Knotts fashion, he is and excitable bundle of nerves. If I have an issue with this character, though, it is that he never explains the remote or who he is. I understand that part of it has to do with the mystery, but you would think after he came back from his hissy fit or after things started going awry in town, he would have said something, but maybe that’s just me.

Joan Allen and William H. Macy turn in great performances as the Parker parents. Allen has a memorable masturbation scene that sets a tree aflame!

Jeff Daniels seems to relish roles that have his playing a less than intellectual superior. As Bill Johnson, he is Bud/David’s boss, and is hopelessly in love with Joan Allen, not to mention he loves to paint and has no clue how to run his own store without Bud. As the film goes on, though, he becomes one of the most lovable characters.

I really like the themes that this film addressed, racism, closed mindedness, oppression, segregation. On the other hand, I wasn’t crazy about their saying that things have to change for the sake of change. I’m all for change, don’t get me wrong, but if it ain’t broke, then don’t fix it. I’m sure there were people in Pleasantville who were perfectly happy with their perfect little town. I would have been one of those people. Sadly, places like this are long gone and replaced with crime ridden metropolis’.

This is one of those films that will make you think without you even realizing it. The story is extremely well written and impressive. Can you believe someone had an original thought and came up with this? *GASP* Each of the characters is very well acted out. The colors and contrast are astounding, and this is just an overall great film.

4 out of 5 stars

Wild Hogs

PLOT:

Doug Madsen (Tim Allen), Woody Stevens (John Travolta), Bobby Davis (Martin Lawrence) and Dudley Frank (William H. Macy) are four middle-aged suburban men in Cincinnati who find themselves frustrated with the pace of daily life. Woody is a formerly rich businessman who suddenly finds himself alone and broke. Doug is a dentist who can’t connect with his son, and he misses his college glory days when he was called “The Golden Knight.” Bobby is a plumber who is henpecked by his wife and daughters while trying to follow his dream of writing a plumbing how-to book. Dudley is a computer geek who seeks to find a woman in his life. Their one collective hobby had always been to ride together on motorcycles around the city, though after college that happened less and less often.

When Woody finds out that his marriage is ending in divorce and that he’s bankrupt, he suggests they embark on a cross-country road trip west on their bikes to seek adventure. After some hesitation from the other three, the four agree to the trip and set off on their Harley-Davidsons.

The road trip is filled with humorous moments, such as sleeping close together scantily dressed and being found by a policeman (John C. McGinley) who tells them they can be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, but it turns out that he is only teasing: he is actually jealous. Later, when the four go to a small lake, a family on a picnic joins them in the water only to realize the four men are naked. The policeman appears again; he also undresses and joins the four men, who quickly leave.

The fun ends when the four stop at a bar and stumble onto a real motorcycle gang called the Del Fuegos. Del Fuego leader Jack (Ray Liotta) tricks the foursome into a bum motorcycle trade, then tells them they are nothing compared to real bikers, especially Del Fuegos founder Damien Blade, and that they should leave before something else bad happens.

Less than a mile away, Woody stops, disgraced at what just transpired. He tells his friends that he will go back to the bar to retrieve Dudley’s bike, but when he gets back there, a courageous Woody cuts the fuel lines on the gang’s motorcycles and takes Dudley’s bike. He returns to his friends with the bike (to much astonishment) and explains that he simply threatened the gang with legal action. When the Del Fuegos realize what has transpired, provoked by the Wild Hogs riding past the bar again, Jack orders his gang to follow the Wild Hogs. When Jack errantly tosses his cigarette, it hits gasoline on the ground and triggers a chain reaction that blows up the bar. The Del Fuegos swear revenge.

Meanwhile, because of Woody’s insistence that they should not stop for any reason, the Wild Hogs run out of gas and have to walk their bikes a long distance until reaching the small town of Madrid, only to discover they have to stay the night to wait for the fuel station to open. The four are first mistaken for actual Del Fuegos and feared, but once the mistake is cleared up, the Madrid Sheriff tells the Wild Hogs that the Del Fuegos terrorize the town yearly and the small police force — who received weapons training by playing the video game Doom — is unable to do anything about them.

At a chili festival that night, Dudley furthers his interest in Maggie (Marisa Tomei) the owner of the local diner. As he courts her, Bobby comes across two Del Fuegos in town (who have spotted the Wild Hogs and informed Jack). Thinking himself untouchable, because of Woody’s previous explanation, Bobby humiliates the two bikers. Under orders from Jack, the two Del Fuegos refuse to do anything and Bobby ends up squirting them with ketchup and mustard. The town praises the Wild Hogs as saviors, considering them a friendly biker gang who can protect them.

Dudley spends the night with Maggie. The next morning, the Del Fuegos arrive en masseand Jack yells to the townspeople that his gang will vandalize the town, starting with the diner, until the Wild Hogs come out to fight. Woody reveals his lie about the biker bar incident, plus his reason to take the trip (his divorce) and his friends are disappointed with his deceit. When the Del Fuegos start to wreck Maggie’s diner, Dudley goes out to meet them. The rest of the Wild Hogs eventually back up Dudley and a four-on-four fistfight begins between four Del Fuego bikers and the Wild Hogs. Easily outmatched, the Wild Hogs are beaten up, but refuse to stay down and see the diner destroyed. With their dignity on the line, they continue to get up and take punch after punch, much to the amazement and fury of Jack. Just then, the townspeople arrive carrying makeshift weapons to defend their new friends; they demand the Del Fuegos leave the Wild Hogs alone and get out of town. The situation is defused by the arrival of Damien Blade himself (Peter Fonda). Blade chastises Jack and the Del Fuegos for picking on four men and the townspeople, and reveals he actually thought his bar was a dump and explained that he insured the bar for twice what it was worth. We also learn that Jack is Damien’s son, and he points out to Jack how he forgot what being out on the open road is about, and that it doesn’t involve thuggish behavior and violence. Jack’s split-second transformation from the ultimate bully into a guilty-faced momma’s boy is almost as priceless as Woody’s earlier impersonation of a tough Marlon Brandoesque biker earlier on. The Del Fuegos, feeling guilty, leave and offers a friendly good-bye to the Wild Hogs. In a salute to Fonda’s own memorable role in Easy Rider, Blade tells the Wild Hogs that they need to “lose the watches,” referring to the Easy Rider scene when, just before departing on their cross-country chopper-born odyssey, Fonda’s character takes off his watch and throws it in the dirt.

Bobby and Doug’s wives arrive in town, giving Bobby the chance to tell his wife that he dislikes how she controls him, and the two reconcile. Doug impresses his son by telling him of the adventures. Dudley tells Maggie he will return to town soon to enjoy more time with her, and the four head finally continue on to the Pacific coast.

The closing credits include excerpts from a faux episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition where the Del Fuegos are given a brand new bar. Jack can barely restrain his emotions as he views it.

REVIEW:

It’s good to see a film about middle aged men that doesn’t make them seem like creepy horndogs. Unfortunately, that may be the brightest spot of this film.

The plot has potential, but it just falls flat. For me, it felt like they were trying to make this an action-comedy movie, yet keep it a family film, and for that reason it fails. That’s not to bring up the whole blowing up of the bar and defending the small town like they were the Magnificent Seven..er…four. It just doesn’t work.

However, there are some good performances. John Travolta and Tim Allen give their usual excellent performances. William H. Macey is playing a character that is opposite of anyone else I’ve seen from him. Martin Lawrence is not as funny as he normally is, but I think that is a mix of him trying too hard to be funny and the script. Ironically, his wife is the actress who played one of his biggest frenemies in his show Martin. Marisa Tomei could have been used a bit more, but she and Jill Hennessy add a nice bit of eye candy…along with the California scene at the end. Ray Liotta plays a good villain, but I think this role is a bit beneath him. There’s a nice cameo from Peter Fonda that is a nod to his Easy Rider days and really adds to the film.

I wish I could say that this is one of the best films I’ve ever seen. I really wanted to, but I just can’t bring myself to do that. It’s a good family film, but not great.

2 1/2 out of 5 stars